I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
