Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
