She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
