I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
