next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
