You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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