My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
