She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
