Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
