She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
