I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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