Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my liver is dry heaving
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
