Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Randomize
