Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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