Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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