Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
