So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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