I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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