yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
