I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Found the puke drawer
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
