dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
