I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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