Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
