So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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