i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
