Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
