she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
