WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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