my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
