you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
