I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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