I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
