her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wish you could order shots online.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
