I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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