im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
