mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
How's work?
Spinning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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