my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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