Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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