He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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