Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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