I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
