me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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