The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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