The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
