I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
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