we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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