I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
