Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
