Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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