omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my being single is dangerous.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
