i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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